I have sat down so many times in the last two weeks to write a blog post. I have so many drafts sitting in Word, half done. I have voice messages on my phone that are hoping to turn into some kind of curated work. The thing is, every time I sat down to actually write, it all came out a jumble. Like some kind of rubble I was trying to sift through. Like I was looking for the missing item to help my words make sense. No matter how hard I’ve tried I haven’t been able to find the right pieces to fit everything together.
I started this blog up again to be vulnerable.
To be a place where we can connect.
Maybe you know where I am? maybe you’re here too or have been here or are approaching this same spot. Wherever that is. What I really don’t want is for this to be some place where I try to eloquently spin what the Lord has really been doing to save face or to try to make things more presentable. The truth is, when we get down to it the question is, are our lives ever really presentable? If we really dig in and really mine for what is going on inside we are not “presentable” humans. We are rough around the edges and crusty (yeah I said it), we are flawed and self absorbent. No matter who we are or what title we may or may not hold we are a mess inside and that is why we need a Savior. That is why God sent His only Son to come to earth to be fully human and be tempted as we are. That is why the same Son had to allow Himself to be murdered on the cross. That is why Jesus, as He hung on the cross said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” As His murderers cast lots for His clothes and hung Him up between two criminals. “They know not what they do” as we, today, know not what we do. Because of that death on the cross. That oh so costly and painful death on the cross has made us a free people. A people free from death and covered by grace. So much so sometimes that I think we forget how much of a mess we are and how much we need that cross. How much we still don’t know what we do. I want this to be a place where we can connect in being humans that are not presentable. To be the humans that we are that need a savior and that don’t have it all together. All of that to say that after two weeks of sorting through a jumble of words I was prompted to simply share. So here I am, standing in front of the classroom with my toy to share for show and tell hoping that you can connect in some way or at very least not laugh at my measly offering:
The last few weeks have been, well, for lack of a better word, interesting. I am in this weird stage in life and I’m trying to navigate through it. I have been praying and questioning and on my knees and crying out trying to somehow get somewhere. I don’t know where but that’s what it feels like. Climbing and striving for something and I don’t even really know what it is. All I know is I’m trying to get somewhere that is not where I am currently. I go from lamenting and despairing to the Lord to then asking for forgiveness for acting like a petulant child crying over blessings that He has given me as I sit in a home He provided at a job that He gave me. It’s been a push and pull and when I say that I mean it’s been me pushing and pulling and trying to wiggle my way out of something.
The week got better and Friday came and I couldn’t wait to log off of work and step outside and have some freedom for the weekend. Last night as I got in my car to go home after being out with a friend the lines of the song that came on the radio were “ Oh these hands are tired, Oh this heart is tired, Oh this soul is tired. I’ll keep on, I’ll keep on.” The song went on and I sat there letting the words wash over my soul. These words were what I felt like on the inside, tired. I drove home talking to the Lord (which is not unusual) about the week and my desires and asking why and what and how and asking for forgiveness for even asking for anything and then I got home and walked into my kitchen, still talking to the Lord and I stopped. I stopped and as if there was nothing more to be said I said thank you. That was it. I thanked the Lord out loud in my kitchen, multiple times. As I said those words and nothing else I felt lighter inside. These were the words I had somehow forgotten these last few weeks. I had run through every other prayer. But I had forgotten to just thank Him. To just be thankful. Thankful for the struggle of life that keeps me turning to Him. For the place that He has me in. For my job and for my home and for my friends and family. And my goodness I do not thank Him enough for my salvation. For sending His Son to die on the cross for me because I am a sinner and could never get to heaven on my own.
Saying the words were somehow freeing. I wasn’t asking for anything, forgiveness or otherwise, or fighting through anything I was just saying thank you. Thank you to a God who is so deserving and so deserving of so much more than just a thank you. So as I thanked Him with my words I will continue to try to thank Him with my life, with my actions, with my attitude. I will continue to be right here where He has me and serve Him here, whatever that looks like. So as the week starts again on Monday morning and as the pressure and stress and discontent rears it’s ugly head again (as I’m sure it will) I will be thankful and I will keep on.